A Practical Guide to Emotional Regulation

Welcome back to the Sunshine House. Grab your coffee (or something stronger, no judgment here)—today, we’re getting practical.

In our last few chats, we’ve covered the difference between emotions (what the body feels) and feelings (what the brain says). But now we have to answer the million-dollar question: Once the storm hits, how do we get back to calm?

This is called Regulation.

To regulate means to maintain control. It doesn’t mean we suppress the emotion; it means we regain the steering wheel so the emotion isn’t driving the car anymore.

But here is the “Elder Millennial” reality check: They say that for children to regulate, they need a parent to “co-regulate” with them. They need us to be the calm anchor.

I don’t know about you, but I am actively trying to regulate myself at the exact same time I am trying to calm down my child.

It is messy. We might feel triggered by their tone, or feel a desperate need to “fix it” instantly so the crying stops. For years, I thought if I could predict and prevent every potential outburst, I was doing a great job. But I realized that by never letting my son experience frustration or inconvenience, I was accidentally hindering his ability to overcome small obstacles.

Now that he is a preteen, small obstacles feel like big obstacles, and big obstacles feel like the end of the world. We are learning the hard way that resilience is a muscle, and it only grows when we use it.

So, please hear me: These tools aren’t just for your kids. Use them for yourself. Let your kids see you using them. It is okay to show them that you don’t always have it together. Leading by example—even when you feel burnt out and touched out—is the most powerful teaching tool you have.

Below is a breakdown of strategies we can use in different environments. (Note: I am a mom, not a doctor. This list is a simple guide from my home to yours. For in-depth help, always reach out to a therapist, counselor, or medical professional).

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Regulating at Home

This is your safe zone. You can be loud, messy, and take up space.

• Positive Affirmations: Our brains are quick to believe lies when we are sad or mad. Force a reset by speaking truth out loud: “I am safe,” “I am loved,” or even “I am really good at making muffins.”
• Sensory Deprivation: Go to a safe room, turn off all the lights, and get under a weighted blanket. Give your nervous system a hard reboot.
• Temperature Shock: Take a shower or bath. Make it super hot or super cold depending on what your body needs to “snap” out of the spiral.
• The “Primal” Release: Scream. Scream into a pillow or go into the backyard and let it rip. (Bonus points if you do it together!)
• Grounding: Go outside, take your shoes off, and stand in the grass. Just exist.
• Creation as Release: Throw paint on paper, rip up construction paper and glue it back together, or scribble with chalk on the driveway. Get the energy out of your hands.
• Move Your Body: Lift weights, do push-ups, hula-hoop, or have a dance party.

Regulating at School

These need to be quieter and respectful of the classroom, but still effective.

• The Fidget Pouch: A small bag with quiet fidgets (stretchy ropes, magnetic balls), essential oil patches to smell, or a stress ball to squeeze.
• The “No-Send” Letter: Mad at a friend? Worried about a test? Write a letter about it. Put everything you are feeling into it. Then? Rip it to shreds and throw it away.
• Heavy Work: Ask the teacher if you can do “heavy work” —like carrying a stack of books to the library, pushing the teacher in a rolling chair, or doing wall push-ups in the back of the room or hallway.
• The “Talk it Out” Pass: Create a bookmark or pass that signals to the teacher you need to see the counselor, so you don’t have to explain it in front of the class.
• Breathing Techniques:
  • Box Breathing (In for 4, Hold for 4, Out for 4, Hold for 4).
  • Rainbow Breathing (Trace a rainbow in the air with your finger).
  • Snail Breathing (Slow and steady).
• Protein Snacks: If allowed, a high-protein snack can help stabilize blood sugar and brain function. Keep it with a specific teacher or your counselor for emergencies.

Regulating in Public

Target, the grocery store, the park—places where we feel the “eyes” on us.

• 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding: Name 5 things you see, 4 things you touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste.
• Hug it Out: Whether you are anxious, sad, or mad—hug it out. Hearing someone else’s heartbeat can help slow yours down (co-regulation in action!).
• Chew on Ice: If you can get a cup of ice, the cold sensation and the crunching focus the brain on the mouth, not the panic.
• The “Smooth Stone”: Keep a smooth stone in your pocket to roll around in your hand. (Note: Only works if we know the stone won’t be thrown!)
• Visual Distraction: Play “I Spy” or count the tiles on the floor.
• Pacing: Walk a short path back and forth. Count your steps.
• The Mantra: Create a simple sentence and repeat it until your heart slows down. “This feeling will pass. I am safe in this moment.”

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Parenting is hard. It’s hard to be a lighthouse for our children when we don’t always have a light to shine in our own storms.

But our goal isn’t to control our children; it’s to teach them to control themselves. We want to lead, not intimidate. We want to encourage, not shame.

Be gentle with yourself today. You’re doing the work, and that matters.

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Try this today:

Which of these strategies is your “go-to”? Do you have a unique way your family resets after a hard moment? Tell me in the comments – let’s build a resource for families together!